Acceptance vs Longing

As our lives begin, we are encouraged to be ambitious, set in schools that work as the launching pad from which we are flung. University, for me and assuredly many others, works as the temporary wings that keep us in the air for a bit longer - something that feels far more preferable when you don’t yet know where you want to land.

Recently, however, I have seen the odd person let their flight end as easily as it began and fully embrace where they ended up.

Some have come to keep a farm. Some have made space for children. Some have come to terms with where they were falling and let themselves land on two feet.

This doesn’t mean their ambition or sense of longing is absent when they land, or that the ones in the air have more drive, but I know a fair few who seem to have stopped being in pursuit of something greater and focused instead on indulging in the life they have…

… Are they happier? Or have they just come to accept the world for what it is?

Whatever the answer, I envy how they aren’t driven by longing. Whether they have it or not, their acceptance has freed them from the great chase for something greater.

It seems far more peaceful to embrace the life you have than to chase something you may never find.

I wonder then, is chasing fulfilment a truly rewarding experience? Or is the acceptance of your reality - no matter how unfulfilled you are - the way to go?

I asked the friends and family with whom I knew wouldn’t refuse me, only for their answers to be equally non-absolute. A few examples of their replies are as follows:

S: I haven’t accepted the life I have, but I have accepted the person and character I am, and that makes the feeling of longing much easier to bear.

H: I think it’s a balance between the two so that I’m not depressed that this is the best it’ll get, but also not disappointed if it doesn’t get any better.

M: I’m starting to accept [my current life] to be enough... and settle down in my heart... and that does calm me… a bit like religion does for some people, I think.

L: I don’t chase fulfilment; I find it in my reality. But I would never accept the life I have as a constant; I would be constantly looking for growth and new experiences.

With everyone having different perspectives, it was hard to find a collective answer to this question. But there was something collective that did stand out…

In everyone’s answers, they all spoke of life as a journey.

This seems like an obvious thing to point out, but I do believe it’s easy to associate giving up your dreams with a “landing” of sorts - much like the previous metaphor.

But in reality, not one person said they had landed. The closest I got was someone thinking they’d get there: “Perhaps I am coming into land.” But there was no stillness in anyone’s actual answers.

In fact, everyone who said they had accepted their reality also mentioned being open to embracing what may come. The acceptance they felt was not an arrival or a place they came to, but rather a mindset that they move through life with.

This completely reframes the earlier metaphor. Rather than seeing life as a jump and a landing, it demonstrates how it is neither, but instead a matter that is constant: a river that carries you downstream whether you accept your reality or not.

You can try to anchor yourself in various ways, but you cannot be still in something ever-changing. The best thing to do, perhaps, is to listen to the simplest answer I received, and simply “go with the flow”.

So how does this pursuit of something greater come into play amidst life’s current? Is there a limit to reach? And is it worth reaching?

It’s evident that everyone you know is longing in some form or another. I find the ones who long for more attainable things aren’t enwrapped in the feeling as others are. Should we then be making our desires more attainable? Or should we take on the great, exhausting challenge of a dream?

Most people who achieve lifelong dreams only do so when they chase fulfilment in the first place. However, it’s clear that the people who do achieve what they have always wanted don’t free themselves from what they are trying to escape.

Every celebrity ever is, in fact, proof of this (Winehouse, Monroe, Ledger, etc), as fame does not open the doors to eternal happiness. As my friend, Nour, pointed out: “There will always be new struggles that replace the old struggles.”

When you achieve something, you retain the human desire that shapes us all. But it is okay - and surely far healthier than we make it seem to want certain things, especially if the alternative is suppression.

Is there actually a downside to shooting for the stars? Two researchers named Reynolds and Baird, asked the same thing and found out that “[b]eing overly ambitious presents no lasting mental health risk, at least for depression.” What if the problem then isn’t the wanting? What if the problem is wanting absolution?

Neither side seems to be enough: radically accepting your life doesn’t seem to make you eternally happy; just as chasing and achieving a dream doesn’t seem to complete you.

Whether you chase your dreams or let them go, absolution will escape you regardless. Because we are people, and we are not meant to be absolute.

So maybe the best thing to do is to let go of the pressure and enjoy what comes your way, whether you fought for it or not.

Or as a seemingly wiser friend, Toby, advised in a quick response to a question that I’ve been thinking about all week: “Aspire to achieve things but don’t make your happiness contingent upon them.” (This goes to show that you should listen to the friends who meditate daily).

Just as I was about to give my last bit of advice, my sister Maddy said we should “accept uncertainty”, and annoyingly, I think that’s it.

We should accept uncertainty,

and try to find fulfilment wherever we can.